Behavior is Communication No Matter Our Age

Today I want to share a simple reflection that gets to the heart of the work I do and aligns with the most recent SEE ME Podcast Episode, Behavior as an Act of Communication, in which host Patty Lubold and I talk about emotional dysregulation, behavior, and compassionate curiosity as a way to respond to kids, students, colleagues, or anyone.
When infants or toddlers get upset, frustrated, irritable or cranky, we respond in a compassionately curious way, trying to understand what they might need so we can respond accordingly. We ask questions:
are they hungry, sleepy, frustrated, sad, uncertain, unable to do something, etc?
We work with them and/or other professionals to problem-solve and understand the root of their obstacle or obstacles and respond to the underlying need. We do this without thinking twice.
As our kids get older, we have less patience and compassion to problem solve like we did when they were younger. Our expectations for their performance are directly related to their chronological age; however, this approach is based on FALSE assumptions:
that people’s bodies and brains develop at the same rates, and that behavior is only a function of motivation.
The truth is that people’s bodies and brains develop at a variety of rates, not just one, and those rates can be impacted by a multitude of factors such as the following (note: this is not an exclusive list):
intelligence levels, brain chemistry, physiological factors, hormones invisible and visible disabilities and disorders, and/or neurodivergence.
More important than any one diagnosis, though, when a person has a wide of range of skills that are different than their chronological age, it is known as asynchronous development and it is common in neurodivergent people. When we have expectations based solely on chronological age and what a person “should be able to do at a certain age”, we ignore the very real impact and reality of asynchronous development and neurodiversity. Even worse, we set our kids and our relationships with them up for failure.
If we can shift our approach to one that gets compassionately curious about the reasons why they are doing what they are doing (not meeting expectations, having behavioral challenges, not doing homework, not listening to us, playing video games too much, etc.) and uncover the reasons for the unmet expectations like we do when they are infants and toddlers, we will most likely find the answers to provide the type and just right level of support they need, regardless of chronological age, that will pave the way to a stronger relationship, greater trust, higher self-esteem, improved confidence, skills, self-determination, self-agency, and self-advocacy, and ultimately to ever greater independence and success.
So, the next time your child, no matter their age, is not meeting expectations or is emotionally dysregulated, remember that first and foremost, they may not have the skills, they may be communicating something that they don’t otherwise know how to communicate, and above all, they may need a compassionately curious response that allows for discovering what is getting in the way of the unmet expectation or causing the dysregulation. Our kids, our society, and we will be better off because of it.
Yours in the journey,
Courtney