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This question is one that I have wrestled with in my own parenting journey as a parent of a child who has not met society’s expectations for behaving “properly” or “respectfully” over the years or for following the “typical” or “expected” trajectory after high school of going to college, getting a job, or enlisting in the military and “figuring out” how to manage life’s many responsibilities, privileges, and opportunities that come with being a “chronological” adult at age 18. I know I am not alone in wrestling with this question. It is something that many parents grapple with, especially those of us with kids who do not meet “society's” expectations, or follow the trajectory or timeline that we envisioned or wanted for our kids, or who act in ways that many times don’t align with our values or “how we have raised them”. So what is the answer to this question? Are our kids a reflection of us and our parenting? Are we responsible for their their success, their rebellion, their tantrums, their defiance, and/or their “failure to launch”? It is a complex answer, but I think that the short answer is a definitive no, not entirely. Certainly our parenting and the values we articulate and more importantly model influence what our kids learn and how they show up and act in this world, but that parenting influence is not the only factor involved in our children’s behavior, timeline, meeting of our or society’s expectations. Our parenting is only one factor amongst many that impact what our children do and how they show up in this world. We can neither take full responsibility for their actions and trajectory in this world when they are not meeting our expectations, becoming what we envisioned, or acting in alignment with our values, nor can we take full credit for their success and accomplishments in life. Our children are guided by us but they are separate individuals, born with their own needs, free will, and numerous other factors that impact their choices, actions, decisions, and timelines for achieving different milestones. |
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If you have followed our work at 2tametheshamE, Inc. or listened to our SEE ME podcast on either Apple Podcasts or Spotify, you hopefully can predict what factors other than parenting influence our child’s behavior and decisions:
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My hope, though, in bringing all of these factors to your attention is that it becomes easier to conclude like I have, that our kids actions, path in life, ability to meet expectations and be the child that we envisioned is certainly influenced by us and our parenting, but they are truly not a direct reflection of us or our parenting; there are too many other factors at play for them to be a reflection of us only. This conclusion has been one that has allowed me, and I hope it will help you, too, to let go of of a number of thoughts and emotions:
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Additionally, I have also come to terms with the fact that at times, I will have moments of being human with how I feel about my child, myself, and our relationship:
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And, it is through this process of letting go and accepting that I am human (which is in fact part of the grief cycle), I have and hope that you can, too, been able to fully embrace that his decisions and path in life are not a reflection of me or my parenting in a bad way; in fact he is going to find his way in this world because I have shifted my perspective of not letting his path in life define me as a parent. Instead I have allowed his path in life to help me become a better parent; one that he needs me to be rather than one that I thought I was going to be. What does it look like when we can shift our perspective and meet our kids where they are? Well, I hope you might know the answers:
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The process for getting to this stage and being able to do all of these things is different for everyone. The coaches at 2tametheshamE, Inc. are here to support you wherever you are on the journey. In the meantime, I hope that the answer I have provided to this question provides you with some relief and space to breathe, be human, relax, and accept that yes, you can have an influence on your child, your parenting DOES make a difference and your efforts, influence and modeling matters, but they are not the only factors involved. |
Yours in the journey of parenting in a way that meets the needs of our unique kids and allows us to accept the many factors that influence our child’s path in this world, Courtney and the 2TTS, Inc. Team |
Are Our Children a Reflection of Us and Our Parenting?
Courtney Edman
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